Thoughts & Feelings...

....Alan and Hailie have been away since Monday, they've gone to visit some family, as with Maisie's operation fast approaching we wont be able to get around very much, and both our family's don't live close! So, I've been spending quality time with Maisie, and I've loved it, just me and my Moo! We've had a good time just us, she's been really good too, she has stopped complaining as much about her hip, she doesn't hold it or rub it half as much as she was a few weeks ago, now I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, maybe shes just learnt to live with it. In all honesty I don't think its got better, I do think its worse than what it was in the beginning when she was first x-rayed on 14th December 2010, because her limp is so bad now, but I cannot stop her walking around, she's almost 16 months old, I cannot prevent her from trying to run and climb and throw herself about randomly everyday!

With the operation fast approaching I have been thinking more and more about it, and what life's going to be like when we get home. Tonight was a prime example...it was almost 7pm and Maisie had done a poo, so I had said to her, "lets take your nappy off, then you can have a bath" to which she screamed all while I was taking her nappy off and undressing her! Once I had let her free and put the nappy in the bin, she had ran to the safety gate and was shouting at me with the "uuuu" noise she makes when she wants something to be done for her, so I opened the gate for her, and quickly nipped into the bedroom to get her towel, and she was already in the bathroom (in the dark) standing by the bath shouting to get in. Now yes this is amazingly cute, Maisie adores getting in the bath, and while she was playing in the bath, I was watching her thinking, in a weeks time your baths are going to be taken away from you, and replaced with daily wash-downs and lying you on the bench with your head over the sink so we can wash your hair! I had tears in my eyes at the thought that something she loves, is just going to be gone from her life for a minimum of 12 weeks, this seems so unfair....I have already been informed by others in various forums that feelings like this and many others may surface during this ordeal. It is really upsetting. so were not going to be able to use the word bath its going to have to be a B.A.T.H lol

I'm getting worried about watching her be put to sleep, I've got so many emotions going around inside that I cant seem to figure out how I'm feeling, I'm trying my hardest to be strong, because I have to be, I have Hailie to consider as well, Hailie is scared of Maisie getting the cast on, and its going to be really strange for her. All the routines that we have in place are going to be thrown in the air like scrap paper, I don't want Hailie to feel left out once Maisie comes home, as she's going to take a lot of our time up, more so than she did before. We have told Hailie that she can be in charge of getting things for Maisie and passing her things, which she seems fine with....

Oh look were here again, its past 2am, my eyes are tired, I can feel it, but my head is buzzing about, and is constantly thinking of things that I know already, like, have we got everything for hospital...I know we have, I have planned, planned and planned again, I've been planning for months...all I am waiting for is some stuff to come from eBay that I ordered for her the other day for when she's in hospital, but that should all arrive by the end of this week! I'm scared to go to bed while my minds ticking like this, I don't want to go to bed while its being this active, I'll end up dreaming all kinds of things up, and being here on my own I wont be able to freely share it with Alan, so I wont have any immediate reassurance that things are ok!

...Well who would have thought Congenital Dysplasia of the Hip would be in my life, there's no previous history of it, Maisie is my 2nd child, and she spent her whole time head down while I was pregnant...none of the obvious signs, yet she's had this since birth and it was only picked up at 13 1/2 months old!!!!! I think maybe if it was Developmental then I might have a different outlook on it, but Maisie has no Hip socket, meaning that if this non-guaranteed operation doesn't prompt the growth, then she will need another operation before her 2nd birthday, I really don't know what to make of it all.....

Steph xxxx