Thursday, 17 March 2011

Thoughts & Feelings...

....Alan and Hailie have been away since Monday, they've gone to visit some family, as with Maisie's operation fast approaching we wont be able to get around very much, and both our family's don't live close! So, I've been spending quality time with Maisie, and I've loved it, just me and my Moo! We've had a good time just us, she's been really good too, she has stopped complaining as much about her hip, she doesn't hold it or rub it half as much as she was a few weeks ago, now I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, maybe shes just learnt to live with it. In all honesty I don't think its got better, I do think its worse than what it was in the beginning when she was first x-rayed on 14th December 2010, because her limp is so bad now, but I cannot stop her walking around, she's almost 16 months old, I cannot prevent her from trying to run and climb and throw herself about randomly everyday!
With the operation fast approaching I have been thinking more and more about it, and what life's going to be like when we get home. Tonight was a prime was almost 7pm and Maisie had done a poo, so I had said to her, "lets take your nappy off, then you can have a bath" to which she screamed all while I was taking her nappy off and undressing her! Once I had let her free and put the nappy in the bin, she had ran to the safety gate and was shouting at me with the "uuuu" noise she makes when she wants something to be done for her, so I opened the gate for her, and quickly nipped into the bedroom to get her towel, and she was already in the bathroom (in the dark) standing by the bath shouting to get in. Now yes this is amazingly cute, Maisie adores getting in the bath, and while she was playing in the bath, I was watching her thinking, in a weeks time your baths are going to be taken away from you, and replaced with daily wash-downs and lying you on the bench with your head over the sink so we can wash your hair! I had tears in my eyes at the thought that something she loves, is just going to be gone from her life for a minimum of 12 weeks, this seems so unfair....I have already been informed by others in various forums that feelings like this and many others may surface during this ordeal. It is really upsetting. so were not going to be able to use the word bath its going to have to be a B.A.T.H lol
I'm getting worried about watching her be put to sleep, I've got so many emotions going around inside that I cant seem to figure out how I'm feeling, I'm trying my hardest to be strong, because I have to be, I have Hailie to consider as well, Hailie is scared of Maisie getting the cast on, and its going to be really strange for her. All the routines that we have in place are going to be thrown in the air like scrap paper, I don't want Hailie to feel left out once Maisie comes home, as she's going to take a lot of our time up, more so than she did before. We have told Hailie that she can be in charge of getting things for Maisie and passing her things, which she seems fine with....
Oh look were here again, its past 2am, my eyes are tired, I can feel it, but my head is buzzing about, and is constantly thinking of things that I know already, like, have we got everything for hospital...I know we have, I have planned, planned and planned again, I've been planning for months...all I am waiting for is some stuff to come from eBay that I ordered for her the other day for when she's in hospital, but that should all arrive by the end of this week! I'm scared to go to bed while my minds ticking like this, I don't want to go to bed while its being this active, I'll end up dreaming all kinds of things up, and being here on my own I wont be able to freely share it with Alan, so I wont have any immediate reassurance that things are ok!
...Well who would have thought Congenital Dysplasia of the Hip would be in my life, there's no previous history of it, Maisie is my 2nd child, and she spent her whole time head down while I was pregnant...none of the obvious signs, yet she's had this since birth and it was only picked up at 13 1/2 months old!!!!! I think maybe if it was Developmental then I might have a different outlook on it, but Maisie has no Hip socket, meaning that if this non-guaranteed operation doesn't prompt the growth, then she will need another operation before her 2nd birthday, I really don't know what to make of it all.....

Steph xxxx

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Wide awake at almost 2am!!!!

...This time next week, I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep, Maisie's hospital visits start!!! I want it over and done with, but I'm absolutely terrified of how things are going to be, how am I going to feel seeing my perfect baby that I created, carried and gave birth to, be restrained from one of the things she loves to do...WALK....Maisie's going to be operated on, given god knows what drugs all at her tender age of 16 months old!!!!
I'm wide awake now....I'm surprised Ive not collapsed or something, I haven't slept well at all for around a month now...people may say tell your GP...honestly though, what for..sleeping pills??? There no good to me, I cant afford to be on sleeping pills, but yet I cant sleep! Its a tough one that! I am sick of being up this late...its cold and TV is boring, tonight Ive been backtracking listening to a loada choons that I love, some bouncy, some mellow! I did kinda think if I listen to mellow songs then I might get tired, but no, that's not worked, and they used to be the songs that I loved falling asleep listening to! Never mind eh...s'pose I'll just get on like I do every other day!
Back to the situation, I think I have pretty much everything under control that I can control...we have nappies big and small, stacks of nappy cream, 1 size larger vests and a few larger size clothes. I have also ordered her some mini aquadraw's from eBay, no mess, no fuss, just something to keep her going hopefully. Her Spica chair is almost done, just got a few more bits to add to it, then she can have it! It is of course in her favourite character of them all.....DUMBO....Maisie has the Dumbo comforter blankie and she cuddles it when she's tired, hurt, in pain, and takes it to bed. Its a routine, bottle ready, "find Dumbo" either me or Alan will say, and sure enough she will go looking for him. She watched the film the other day for the first time and she loved it, was amazed that HER Dumbo was on the telly lol, so it only seems right that her Spica Chair be no other than Dumbo!!! I went out and bought Dumbo on DVD too, so she can sit and watch something other than the usual cartoons. Trying to think of ways that we can entertain her, and I can barely think of anything, yet Ive read endless amounts of posts on forums and blogs by other parents!
I'm also extremely worried about when we get her home, and we try and figure some kind of routine out, what about shopping etc...we don't drive! Mission! I have already said that I am not going to get on the bus with her, because I will end up punching someone in the face if they knocked her cast, I'm sure people think I wouldn't, but I would, I really would! So I am going to refuse to use the bus to travel! Get fit me time lol! Then I think about town, or just out in happens all the time, you can be walking down a perfectly empty street/part of town, and i will be standing with the pushchair, or will have moved over so theres space for a person heading towards me to pass, and they still manage to glide past the pushchair and knock it slightly.."tut" is my usual response....but oh my, if they do it when she's got her legs blatantly on the outside of the pushchair with a huge cast on, and they bang into the pushchair...god there gonna wanna hope I'm in a good mood. I'm dreading it I really am! I don't want to end up isolated in the house with Maisie, it wont be good for anybody!
Wow, I didn't realise I'd typed so much in such a short space of time, must have needed the moan lol!.....

Steph xxxx